In
a study conducted at UCLA, subjects rated over 500 descriptions of
people based on their perceived significance to likeability. The
top-rated descriptors had nothing to do with being gregarious,
intelligent or attractive (innate characteristics). Instead, the top
descriptors were sincerity, transparency and capable of
understanding (another person).
These adjectives, and others like them, describe people who are skilled in the social side of emotional intelligence. TalentSmart research
data from more than a million people shows that people who possess
these skills aren’t just highly likeable; they outperform those who
don’t by a large margin.
Likeability is so critical to your
success at work that it can completely alter your performance. A
University of Massachusetts study found that managers were willing to
accept an auditor’s argument with no supporting evidence if he or she
was likeable, and Jack Zenger found that just 1 in 2000 unlikeable
leaders were considered effective by their colleagues.
Being
likeable is as much about avoiding behaviors that decrease your
likeability as it is about magnifying those that increase it. To help
you with this, I did some digging to uncover the key behaviors that hold
people back when it comes to likeability. Make certain these behaviors
don’t catch you by surprise.
1. Name-dropping
It’s great
to know important and interesting people, but using every conversation
as an opportunity to name-drop is pretentious and silly. Just like
humble-bragging, people see right through it. Instead of making you look
interesting, it makes people feel as though you’re insecure and overly
concerned with having them like you. It also cheapens what you have to
offer. When you connect everything you know with who you know (instead
of what you know or what you think), conversations lose their color.
People
are averse to those who are desperate for attention. Simply being
friendly and considerate is all you need to win people over. When you
speak in a friendly, confident and concise manner, people are much more
attentive and persuadable than if you try to show them that you’re
important. People catch on to your attitude quickly and are more
attracted to the right attitude than who you know.
2. Emotional hijackings
My
company provides 360° feedback assessments, and we come across far too
many instances of people throwing things, screaming, making people
cry and other telltale signs of an emotional hijacking. An emotional
hijacking demonstrates low emotional intelligence. As soon as you show
that level of instability, people will question whether or not you’re
trustworthy and capable of keeping it together when it counts.
Exploding
at anyone, regardless of how much they might “deserve it,” turns a huge
amount of negative attention your way. You’ll be labeled as unstable,
unapproachable and intimidating. Controlling your emotions keeps you in
the driver’s seat. When you’re able to control your emotions around
someone who wrongs you, they end up looking bad instead of you.
3. Humble-bragging
We
all know those people who like to brag about themselves behind the mask
of self-deprecation. For example, the gal who makes fun of herself for
being a nerd when she really wants to draw attention to the fact that
she’s smart or the guy who makes fun of himself for having a strict diet
when he really wants you to know how healthy and fit he is. While many
people think that self-deprecation masks their bragging, everyone sees
right through it. This makes the bragging all the more frustrating,
because it isn’t just bragging; it’s also an attempt to deceive.
4. Whipping out your phone
Nothing
turns someone off to you like a mid-conversation text message or even a
quick glance at your phone. When you commit to a conversation, focus
all of your energy on the conversation. You’ll find that conversations
are more enjoyable and effective when you immerse yourself in them.
5. Having a closed mind
If
you want to be likeable, you must be open-minded, which makes you
approachable and interesting to others. No one wants to have a
conversation with someone who has already formed an opinion and is
unwilling to listen. Having an open mind is crucial in the workplace,
where approachability means access to new ideas and help. To eliminate
preconceived notions and judgment, you need to see the world through
other people’s eyes. This doesn’t require that you believe what they
believe or condone their behavior; it simply means that you quit passing
judgment long enough to truly understand what makes them tick.
6. Not asking enough questions
The
biggest mistake people make in conversation is being so focused on what
they’re going to say next or how what the other person is saying is
going to affect them that they fail to hear what’s being said. The words
come through loud and clear, but the meaning is lost. A simple way to
avoid this is to ask a lot of questions. People like to know you’re
listening, and something as simple as a clarification question shows
that not only are you listening but that you also care about what
they’re saying. You’ll be surprised how much respect and appreciation
you gain just by asking questions.
7. Being too serious
People
gravitate toward those who are passionate. That said, it’s easy for
passionate people to come across as too serious or uninterested, because
they tend to get absorbed in their work. Likeable people balance their
passion for their work with their ability to have fun. At work they are
serious, yet friendly. They still get things done because they are
socially effective in short amounts of time and they capitalize on
valuable social moments. They focus on having meaningful interactions
with their coworkers, remembering what people said to them yesterday or
last week, which shows people that they are just as important to them as
their work is.
8. Gossiping
People make themselves look
terrible when they get carried away with gossiping. Wallowing in talk of
other people’s misdeeds or misfortunes may end up hurting their
feelings if the gossip ever finds its way to them, but gossiping is
guaranteed to make you look negative and spiteful every time.
Related: 10 Things Confident People Don't Do
9. Sharing too much, too early
While
getting to know people requires a healthy amount of sharing, sharing
too much about yourself right off the bat comes across wrong. Be careful
to avoid sharing personal problems and confessions too quickly.
Likeable people let the other person guide them as to when it’s the
right time for them to open up. Over-sharing comes across as
self-obsessed and insensitive to the balance of the conversation. Think
of it this way: if you’re getting into the nitty gritty of your life
without learning about the other person first, you’re sending the
message that you see them as nothing more than a sounding board for your
problems.
10. Sharing too much on social media
Studies
have shown that people who over-share on social media do so because they
crave acceptance, but the Pew Research Center has revealed that this
over-sharing works against them by making people dislike them. Sharing
on social media can be an important mode of expression, but it needs to
be done thoughtfully and with some self-control. Letting everyone know
what you ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner along with how many times
you walked your dog today will do much more harm than good when it comes
to likeability.
Bringing It All Together
When you build your awareness of how your actions are received by other people, you pave the way to becoming more likeable.
No comments:
Post a Comment